Never Get Into Misunderstandings Again: Exploit Mental Models

Backwards chaining starts with the end outcome—a mutually beneficial, win-win resolution—and works backward to identify the steps needed to get there. Combine it with the conflict resolution diagram. Every action taken should be with the aim of finding a win-win outcome. You are on the same team. The end goal is analogical. You just see the way there differently. Map out the conflicting assumptions and constraints. The root cause of the disagreement is a misalignment of methods. But you share an objective. Figure out a solution that satisfies the both of you.

Proxies simplify complex concepts. They identify indicators or substitutes that represent broader, convoluted variables and concerns. If you are arguing with a subordinate over budget allocation, their argument might be a proxy: the company is wasting money on failing projects. You both have the same goal: to maximize the impact by distributing the budget well. Perhaps outlining the shared objective and explaining to them that the company operates in an agile, fail-and-iterate manner would place you on stable grounds. Address that the proxy is not always the root cause or an accurate representation of reality.

Don’t waste their time: use the Minto pyramid. Start with the main idea. If needed, support it with sound arguments and evidence for those arguments. This helps present your perspective clearly. None of that misunderstanding and yelling over each other. Productive dialogue from there on out. Since the main idea, the mutually beneficial solution, has already been put forth. Don’t hold back the juicy details in conflict.

Another model backing up starting with the value is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. His renowned pyramid encourages us to think about where everybody stands on the pyramid. Conflicts often arise when a need is unmet. Security, belonging, esteem, self-actualization. Whatever it may be, addressing those unmet needs resolves the conflict. It also shows members of the team that you care, which paves the way for future resolutions. Binary thinking does you no good in conflict. Solutions and situations are not black-and-white. Often there is a more nuanced need under the surface. Open the door. Find the middle ground. Bridge the gap between opposing viewpoints. Sorted.

The circle of competence helps you identify areas where you lack or possess expertise. Stay in your circle in conflict. When you go outside the bounds of your knowledge, you rely on emotionality and irrational assumptions. Those won’t result in a sound, mutually beneficial solution. If a conflict arises where you lack expertise, put forth that the others should lead the conversation. Similarly, the curse of knowledge results in poor communication as well. In this case, you assume the others know more than they really do. This results in unproductive, technical lingo which only strokes your ego but doesn’t resolve anything. Overall, it’s best to assume you don’t know and to seek external inputs. Stay simple.

Aristotle’s rhetorical framework of ethos, pathos, and logos guides effective persuasion in conflict. Establish your credibility—or respect theirs. Empathize with their feelings. Present a logical solution or set of statistics here and there. Balance these three elements. When they are in sound proportion, you resonate with the other party. It’s kindred to the golden and platinum rules. Treat others as you would want to be treated. But also tread others like they would want to be treated. The golden rule makes sure you act fairly, while the platinum rule concentrates you on solutions that are tailored to meet everyone’s needs. De-escalate tensions. You both likely have a shared objective. If the goal is the same, and you are on the same team, there is only one problem: the way you imagine to get there. Align that factor. Boom. Resolved.