Relationship Commitment: The One Bottom Line

Commitment. The muscular back which holds everything together. Relationships. Jobs. Businesses. People. To commit is to sacrifice time, effort, and money into something. Consistently. Even when you don’t want to. Even at times of anger or sadness. Even during physical and psychological distress. Even when the company is drowning and your head pounding.

Commitment, Easy and Hard

When things are going well, commitment is a piece of cake. When things are barely holding up, commitment is something else. Putting in the effort when there’s no overdue deadline, unresolved conflict, cluster headache, injured limb, looming debt, or ‘insert stressor’ is easy. Barely takes “commitment”. Spending time with loved ones or investing in your business when there’s no adverse event (-s) takes little sweat.

Whereas when the opposite is true, commitment takes it’s truest shape. When you have to chop through the jungle with your machete, trying to reach a mutually satisfying solution using your limited resources. Bona fide commitment steps onto the stage then. Pushing through thick and thin of personal discomfort, stress, and sacrifice to make relationships, jobs, business, or yourself work.

Back To Commitment. Always.

What do the dictionaries say? The word “commit” means to carry something out fully, and “commitment” is the adherence to something which one is bound by a pledge or duty. The commitment which makes incredible things possible isn’t the one defined in the books. The bare minimum effort gets you the bare minimum result. Going the extra mile in your devotion to something or someone, now that brings merits of it’s own.

Understand: people’s success or failure is largely determined by how committed they are. Granted they always strive to improve and go above and beyond, their wealth and health is guaranteed to match. No field of life can be outlined where commitment does not play a role. Committing is just easier in some areas—hence the average person commits to television, social media, junk food, and pornography, but not physical exercise, meditation, and healthy nutrition.

Relationship Backbone

Whilst we can spend days, weeks, and months debating commitment ad infinitum, that’d be counterproductive. Relationship commitment deserves a spotlight. Professional and personal commitment are important. Don’t get me wrong. Masochistic work hours occupy the new business founder. Willpower and grind overfill the lives of gym newbies. Cool stuff. Stuff you’re aware of—grit, doing it anyway, pushing through pain, knowing when to stop, yada-yada. Relationship commitment is distinct, and I want you to know about it.

Psychological literature on relationship commitment is abounding, as it provides a foundation for successful long-term romantic relationships and marriages. A stabilizer for attachment. A keystone for couple development. Trust me, commitment is the shit. You grasp this, as you have lived it. Relationship development and persistence depends not only on the personal characteristics of individuals but the interdependence they share—hence kid relationships are kid relationships.

Types and Underlings Of Commitment

Relationships require investments. Verbatim the resources attached to the relationship which would lose value if the relationship were to end—meaningful clothes, places, memories, activities, self-disclosure, and possessions. Interdependence addresses the identity that forms the couple. The relationship as an entity which accounts for short- and long-term goals for two individuals. As these feelings deepen, your satisfactions and dissatisfactions grow more and more identified with your partner’s. A sort of noncompetitive exchange market where you’re maximizing joint outcomes.

As discussed, commitment has a “want to” and “have to” form. The “want to” part resides in a desire to continue the relationship, to improve it, to sacrifice for it, to invest in it, to link personal goals to it, and to seek the partner’s welfare. “Have to” commitment however, refers to forces that constrain people to maintain relationships regardless of their personal dedication. Constraints can come from external or internal pressures—marriages to abusive partners—which make ending the relationship economically, socially, personally, or psychologically costly.

“Have To” Commitment…

As is clear, constraint (”have to”) commitment kind of sucks. Shared items, quality of alternatives, social pressure, or moral commitment (I.e. divorce is wrong, you must finish what you start) keep people together. “Have to” commitments explain why low-quality relationships continue despite the satisfaction felt being incredibly low. Genuinely happy couples perceive constraints as sources of joy and evidence of investment. Dissatisfied birds feel stuck because of them.

A primordial feature of commitment is the intention of being together in the future. A long-term time horizon. Committing to the long-term has a powerful influence on how the couple behaves, promoting actions which serve the interest of the couple rather than the short-term interest of yourself. Essentially the thesis of marriage, as it motivates an extended perception of the relationship. Few relationships remain satisfying all the time, so a confidence about the relationship’s persistence keeps you centered. Grounded. Stable.

Giving, Of Yourself

Another indelible ingredient in the relational soup is sacrifice. Foregoing immediate self-interest for the good of the relationship or partner. Most would define commitment in this exact manner, and for sound reason. Studies repeat again and again that how much you sacrifice is directly linked to your commitment, which is in turn correlated to long-term relational well-being.

Problem is, sacrifices aren’t made and perceived equal. Those perceived by the giver as harmful circle back to poor relationship quality. Similarly, sacrifices to avoid conflict or guilt only worsen the relationship. Broadly speaking, sacrifice in romantic relationships is good when it’s approached with mindful intentions. It is a positive signal of commitment and security between partners. Sacrifice. Not more, not less, enough.

Practical Takeaways and Final Thoughts

Combined, it’s manifest that commitment, specifically “want to” or dedication commitment, is vital for relationships to function and function well. Whether it be flowers, notes, drawings, gifts, or time, you have to commit. Try. Go the extra mile for each other. Sacrifice. Physical exercise, meditation, business pursuits, healthy nutrition, hydration, or job promotions don’t come through osmosis. Neither do prospering relationships.

To conclude, commitment comes in many shapes and sizes, one of which is relationship commitment. Steps for mutual prosperity must be taken. Don’t let your flame wither to the brutal hands of time. “We have to recognize that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment,” said Cornel West, “unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.”