Envy And Jealousy: One Is Awesome, The Other Is Toxic

Envy and jealousy might sound similar and are even used interchangeably in day-to-day conversation, but they have distinct meanings and implications. Envy is discontent or covetousness to someone else’s advantage, success, possessions, or qualities. Jealousy is the fear of losing something we already possess. Put differently, envy is the desire to obtain what we do not have, while jealousy is the desire to keep what we have. It is a fact of life that we are not equal. Some are healthier, prettier, smarter, richer, and others are not born into such fortune. How we think about these differences is governed by envy and jealousy.

Envy is a feeling of lacking something somebody else possesses. Regard it a feeling of inferiority, of resent towards your circumstances and dismay about others’ achievements. Like feeling resentful that a coworker received a promotion or earned accolades you wanted. Jealousy is about the protection of a relationship, status, or possession you already hold. See it as the fear of loss, a source of distrust, suspicion, and low self-esteem. Such as feeling threatened when your partner pays attention to someone else, fearing their affection might shift from you. Both envy and jealousy distort thinking in subtle yet significant ways. Understanding how is essential for understanding why you do the things you do. Envy and jealousy are fundamentals of human behavior.

Jealousy is a human requirement to feel needed. Envy is a human requirement to be worthy. The former stems from fearing loss. The latter from social comparison. Jealousy can lead to misinterpreting others’ intentions: seeing benign actions as aggressive or undermining. It can thus prompt impulsive behaviors: confrontation, attempts at control, or isolating your partner. Jealousy erodes relationships. Envy might lead to decreased self-esteem and overly pessimistic self-assessments. These unfair judgments and dismissing of other peoples’ successes then skews our perceptions. Decision-making becomes distorted and uncertain. We either play it too safe or take excessive risks—to not fall further behind or to catch up.

Understand that we can exploit these forces in our favor. Negative self-talk and overreaching self-criticism might not be so good. But envy can be a catalyst for growth. It’s not always a destructive force. The motivating kind can use feelings of inferiority to fuel improvement. Whereas the vicious type uses the same feelings to try and ruin it for someone else. The key is to use these states constructively via awareness and reframing.

Real-world implications of envy and jealousy:

• Personal relationships: situation: in a romantic relationship, a partner notices the other engaging in friendly interaction with a coworker; jealousy results in overanalyzing that benign interaction as a threat to the relationship. The jealous partner interprets the situation as evidence of disloyalty. Even when there is no reason to believe the interaction is harmful;

• Work rivalry: situation: a manager sees that a subordinate gets praised by higher-ups and is gaining popularity among peers; they might begin feeling jealous and begin viewing the subordinate’s success as a personal threat. The manager might even turn to biased performance reviews or micromanagement and not letting them gain influence and/or status for fear of losing their own;

• Sibling rivalry: situation: two siblings compare their careers, one has achieved significant professional progress, whilst the other struggles to find their footing. The one who is less successful might experience jealousy, where they attribute the other’s prosperity to external factors—such as favoritism and luck—while ignoring the challenges involved. This can damage the relationship;

• Workplace promotions: situation: two employees in the same company, one receives a promotion and salary increase. The one who did not get recognized might overemphasize their success, claiming they must have been lucky or had unfair advantages—even if both were on equal grounds;

• Social media: situation: scrolling through social media, you see friends or influencers sharing pictures of luxurious vacations, expensive dinners, or seemingly flawless lives. This triggers envy. You begin to believe you are missing out or that your life is inferior.

How you might handle envy and jealousy as mental models: (1) recognize when envy or jealousy is influencing your judgments, distinguishing which exactly it is and whether your assessment is based on fact or driven by comparison or fear; (2) seek a balanced viewpoint, like if you feel envious of a colleague’s promotion, look at the broader context: consider what criteria determined their promotion and where you can still grow; (3) reframe envy and jealousy as fuel for personal improvement, thinking instead of “They’re so much better than me…” a positive alternative “What can I learn from their success?” “How can I improve my skills?”; (4) shift your focus from destructive internal narratives to constructive comparisons for your own development. The result is more rational, resolute, data-driven decision-making and potential fuel for improvement. These emotions can be staircases upwards if only you use them properly.