Belonging VS Fitting In: Know The Simple Difference

You can fit into a group of a thousand and be lonely. Belong to a group of three and be content.

High School, Baby!

Elementary and middle over. Acne still inhabits your face. New hairs appear here and there. The growth spurt’s in the past, and you’re entering a new phase.

First five grades were superb. Casual, straightforward, annoying with the homework. Last three similar, with less algebra and more skincare, less bicycle rides and more “serious talks”, less kid-stuff, more transitionary-grownup-stuff and identity confusion.

Groups And Hierarchies

High put the confusing grownup-stuff on a pedestal and told you to get by. Hierarchies formed. Cool kids, goths, party kids, smokers, loners, nerds, athletes, and God knows where the chess grandmasters reside.

No longer was it worth it to traverse school randomly. Nerds and loners are born that way, and nobody wants to be either. Pick your poison… Pick your group.

On Thin Ice

In the unconscious mind of the high schooler plays a band. A band of insecurity. Understandably, I mean puberty just came and went, everyone and everything grew, and it’s all so baffling.

The spine of each social group? Precisely that band. Cool kids find security in public recognition. Partying folk stabilize by risking it, stepping on such thin ice with alcohol and drugs that they numb themselves.

What Now?

You come in, mister. Acne smeared, average-build freshman. You’re placed between the devil and the deep blue sea. Fit into the cool, party, or smoker group? Become four eyes and go the nerd route? Hit the weights instead of the books and join the athletes? Drop it and be alone until someone approaches—never happens—and saves you?

Which group you pick doesn’t matter. A no-win situation, pal. All race against the paddle of insecurity which slaps every high schooler’s butt regardless.

Fitting In, Everywhere

Yet once you zoom out, you realize you’re in trouble. The box with box-shaped classrooms with uncomfortable seats which have gum stuck to the bottom isn’t the only place. So long as you’re insecure, everywhere—the gym, workplace, on stage—feels like a tight corner.

The high schooler’s insecurity is explainable. We’re speaking of a sense of belonging while most high schoolers don’t even belong to their own bodies. Or, they feel they don’t. The body of a man or woman and mind of a child.

Quest For Acceptance

They plug those holes of imperfection. One pipe leaks, they stick a finger in. Hooray! Three more holes appear, and so they explore their personalities and looks.

Drill more if they choose “prestigious” groups. Popular kids have high standards, man! More seepages, more corking. More, more, more… They fit in, sell their soul to the devil, and don’t know themselves anymore.

Who Are You?

That’s the price of fitting in. The Snickers ad goes, “You aren’t you when you’re hungry.” The fitting in campaign states, “You lose you to be with them.”

Sad part is, adults take their precarious attitudes into the world. Acting in ways which people—parents, friends, siblings, colleagues—expect and want from them. They fit in on the outside. Not the inside.

The Comparison

Belonging isn’t just being an accepted member of society, family, or religion. Belonging is being you, carrying your values, and finding groups which welcome you.

Actors can fit roles all day. Christian Bale is an underweight, lanky, anorexic machinist in one movie, and a corporate murderer with a muscular body the next. Does Bale belong to either the machinist or psycho?

Pajamas FTW

You can wear the latest styles, get them tailored, and social media will praise you. But do you belong to the clothes? Would you wear the bespoke garments if nobody saw you do so?

I bet you’ve had instances like that. You wear the clothes others approve. Everybody cheers you on. Except you can’t wait to hop into your PJs. The collar is itchy, the jeans or dress too tight, the shoes uncomfortable… Tailor-made torment.

Just Be You

Fashion is but one vehicle for fitting in. Eating where and what the group accepts. Drinking more cocktails or shots not to stand out. Talking in a validated, dishonest manner. Attending events and places—concerts, theatre, performances, shows—you wouldn’t dare touch on your own.

The alternative? A sense of belonging. “Know thyself” is a powerful saying. What about “Be thyself”? What about not playing roles and being you? How does wearing, eating, drinking, talking, and walking like you do, sound?

Entirely Different

We use belonging and fitting in synonymously in conversation, but they are so, so different. Belonging is being accepted and valued for who you truly are. Fitting in is altering or concealing aspects of you to be accepted. Authenticity and comfort in yourself versus inauthenticity and disconnection with yourself!

Belonging is an innate human need. Self-determination theory (SDT) states autonomy, competence, and relatedness as crucial—relatedness aligning with belonging. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs has belonging situated in the middle.

Starting Today, Belong

Fitting in is a mere social propensity, usually attained from insecurity in development. Striving to enhance your self-image by conforming to norms… Managing impressions, behavior, and attitudes to appear favorable…

Sharing your true opinions way outweighs conforming to the dominant opinion. Pursuing hobbies you love, not the mainstream or popular ones wins more satisfaction than any trend! Deep, genuine, open conversations and superficial ones I need not compare.

Do Not Fit In

Vulnerability is not weakness. Authenticity in friendship, romance, allyship, and family makes for tight bonds. A career that aligns with your passions and/or values is vastly more fulfilling. Raising your children in ways concordant to your beliefs is indispensable.

For God’s sake, at least speak in a manner that feels natural. Self-esteem cannot be attained by fitting in. Is it others-esteem or friends-esteem? Fitting in will make you feel inadequate, stressed, and anxious.

No Risk

Foster belonging, not fitting in. In your life, your children, employees, spouse, and everyone you care for. Safely express your truth and allow others to. Develop trust with open communication. Have that uncomfortable, deep, emotional conversation.

Worst case scenario? You find the audience who wasn’t in for hearing your voice. If people cannot tolerate the real you, why be around them? Why perform for the crowd who grows accustomed to a made-to-measure doll? Be you.

The Bottom Line

To conclude, there are two paths: (1) fitting in, the inauthentic, and (2) belonging, the authentic. Fitting in may cultivate more social cred, but you are merely an actor. Belonging would receive less now, but you and your true self receive it. Insecure personality or firm self? Pick yours.